I’m not the biggest fan of the humor of Cedric the Entertainer. His movies are buffoonish and his stand-up act is equal parts crass and sophomoric. However, he did introduce a phrase and concept in his routine from The Original Kings of Comedy that has stuck with me since I first saw the DVD. This concept of which I write is that of The Grown Ass Man. There are two primary groups who are typically very mindful of this concept: 

Males 16-25 who’ve recently moved out and are out to prove they are Grown Ass Men and fathers trying to show their 16-25 year old sons, still living at home that they indeed are not Grown Ass Men.

While these are two compelling groups (both of which I have much experience being a part of) there’s a third small but vocal group I’d like to address at this time:

Men who play with action figures who try to convince their wives and mothers they are still Grown Ass Men.

There are three possible answers when the question comes up as to whether a guy who plays with action figures is indeed a Grown Ass Man (there may be more possible answers but roll with me on this).

• Yes—This dude is grown and should be allowed to pursue his passion. He’s got his life together and his priorities are clearly defined and understood. He pays his bills on time (for the most part), takes care of his kids, and stands up for himself when the situation calls for such a gesture. So what if his office looks like a booth at Comic-Con. As you might have guessed a certain blogger that you all know and love considers himself a prominent representative of this demographic.

•  No— This is your basic punk. He either lives at home or is being supported by something other than a legitimate occupation (i.e. wife, trust fund, life partner, weed stash…etc). This guy is often obsessive-compulsive about his action figures, rarely extricating them from the original packaging. He’s the know-it-all online who loses all notions of decorum and is liable to say anything due to relative anonymity. He’ll also assume this role at Cons or among friends (if he has any) where he’s the proverbial one-eyed man in the land of the blind. Under no circumstances will he show any heart in the presence of a true Grown Ass Man.

• Maybe— This covers the grey area. It often depends on the circumstances or outside factors. These “maybe” cats are for the most part Grown Ass Men who were caught slippin’, that is, brother’s who get so into their pasttime that they lose sight of what’s really important. As we get into the scenarios you’ll see what I mean.

Keep in mind, the reason this discussion is necessary is because wives, mothers, and girlfriends of geeks the world over often have a warped sense of what constitutes an official Grown Ass Man. Let this blog entry serve as a handy tool to straighten these lasses out.

Here we go. Is a dude a Grown Ass Man if:

1) A dude comes home after a hard day at work and heads to the garage to rearrange his collection?

Yes he is. Let him blow off some steam in a non-destructive way. In fact, why not bring him a beer while he’s out there?

2) A dude skips work to be the first one in line at WalMart to get that varient Boba Fett figure with the blue helmet?

No. Man up, Bruh. Don’t put your livelihood on the line for your hobby. Besides, you might need that day off for something real, like a sick child.

3)  A dude brings action figures to the job and tastefuly arranges them in various fighting positions in his cubicle or office?

Maybe: There are some very important questions a man in this scenario should ask himself. Are the figures fully poseable? How many points of articulation do they have? Seriously (as serious as a subject like this can be, that is) we all know what the particular culture in our work environment is. In some places a guy with action figures might be the most conservative in the company (I actually used to be that guy). The bottom line is … don’t let an action figure be the reason you don’t get that promotion. After all, your boss might not read this blog.

4)  A dude spends a large portion of his disposable income at KayBee, E-Bay, and the Hobby Lobby?

Yes: There’s a reason it’s called “disposable” income. Men need to have spending money as much as women and children. It should be budgeted and guilt free.  There are a lot worse things men can spend their money on than heroic toys.

5) A dude spends his mortgage payment at Comic-Con?

No: Out of the question. This guy has lost all sense. The primary finances should be squared away every month (which includes a sensible savings) before a dime is spent on anything with a a laser gun or kung fu grip.

6)  A dude returns the present his wife gave him in exchange for some 12 inch classics he’s had his eye on?

Maybe: I think the variable here is the wife and her intentions. If she truly bought him something she thought he would like then Bruh should bite the bullet and humor his woman. If,  however she’s trying to remake him in her image and buying him items she would like at the expense of what she knows he really wants….On second thought, let that one go too. It’s a battle you just can’t win.

7)    A Dude does not allow his kids to mess with his action figures despite them technically having the label of  “toys”.

Yes: A man has a right to his own property. There is a collectible aspect to action figures that requires them to be maintained in good condition. Children do not always recognize this aspect. I learned this early on when the former Mrs. Deacon allowed TJ (then 2 years old) to ride roughshod on my entire Pirates of Dark Water collection. To this day we have been unable to locate Niddlers left wing, and Renn’s half sword is history as well. Suffice to say the current Mrs Deacon has not repeated this egregious error.

8 ) A dude tinker’s with his collection while his child needs help with his/her homework?

No: This statement should really go without saying, but being a parent is a full time job. Unnecesarily neglecting your children for any reason is not only foolish, it could be dangerous. I’ve seen too many Law and Order episodes where the parent ends up getting severely dealt with by the kid who didn’t get any attention and turns to murder and mayhem. Your action figures aren’t going to protect you from little Ray Ray on a rampage.

9)  A dude buys his kids action figures and then takes them back from them when he sees they’re not taking care of the precious plastic?

Maybe: Now this one’s real tough. Maybe my opinion is skewed by the fact that I’ve lived through this scenario. But just seeing that eighteen inch Galactus just lodged into the toybox between the tangled up Slinky and the mixed glob of Play-Doh was too much for a man to handle, even a Grown Ass Man. I mean the least the little ingrate could have done was place him gently next to the Etch-A-Sketch on the dresser by the bed where he could get proper lighting and the metallic purple of his costume wouldn’ chip or fade. This is the world devourer we’re speaking about here. So I did the only thing a true Grown Ass Man could do and still retain his status as a Grown Ass Man. I gave my son ten dollars and two packs of Pokemon cards and brought poor Galen home to daddy. It was a fair exchange.

He now stands atop the hightest bookshelf looking down at his domain as well as the actions of a Grown Ass Man.

Deac